It has now come to the final exam portion of my sophomore year. It is a strange thing to consider that I am effectively halfway through my college experience.
I am in the basement of the library at 2 in the morning as I write this. During this time of grinding study schedules and directed time management, I have found myself distracted by several issues that have been weighing heavily on me for weeks now.
My mind has placed a burdening emphasis on introspection lately. I have been examining myself, and determining the integrity of my current station in life. I have found that I am utterly lost. I am a selfish, meaningless creature. As harsh as this sounds, it is the conclusion that I have arrived at time and time again. It is with a great deal of sadness and regret that I have come to this place of understanding and restructuring. I wish with all of my heart to correct myself and align my feet once again with the path that I wish to follow.
No direction or purpose can be found in my pursuits. However, I have a great desire to be respected by those around me, so I have mastered the art of apparent control. I am not half the man that I pretend to be, which isn't much to start with as it is. I attempt to carry myself in a manner that I hope allows others to see the person that I want to become, rather than who I am. What I have come to realize is that those around me can easily see through the facade, and understand my shortcomings all the more readily because of it.
In addition, I have put much of my efforts and energy; thought, time, money, passion; into situations that have begun to consume me. I should not be involved with such things to begin with, but I press on, hoping to force my own ends in a way that I believe will bring me happiness. In these situations, one in particular, I have begun to let myself go, allowing for thoughts and actions that an objective embodiment of myself would sternly scold. I feel as if I have lost myself to the situation, not standing for what is right, but instead standing for what I desperately want. Selfish. To perpetuate the problem, I allow myself to run in cycles. I constantly gain what I believe is a foundational realistic grasp on the situation, allowing my mind to find solitude for a few days at a time. This is promptly shaken off, however, by reaffirming experience that I allow myself to take part in or, what's worse, actually initiate. I believe the summer will be a critical time in allowing me to escape these cycles and regain a grasp of myself.
